What Your Relationship Values Reveal (And Why You Have to Live Them First)

There’s a certain point in healing where you stop wanting to be “chosen” and start wanting to be aligned.
That’s where relationship values come in.

If you’re anything like me (recovering caretaker, chronic over-functioner, gold medalist in emotional management), you’ve probably built relationships around chemistry, comfort, or chaos — but not necessarily clarity. I used to think love meant adapting. Now I know love starts with remembering who I am and staying with her, no matter who’s across from me.

Relationship values aren’t cute Pinterest affirmations or couples’ bucket list goals. They’re the foundation of emotional sanity. They tell you what safety, connection, and truth actually look like — in real life, not in filtered quotes.

Why Relationship Values Matter

Without defined values, relationships run on default settings — childhood conditioning, fear, survival mode, and whatever your ex taught you not to do (but you’re still accidentally doing).

Your relationship values are your internal GPS. They keep you oriented when things get foggy, when you want to fold, or when someone else’s comfort starts to outweigh your truth.

They help you:

• Stop confusing intensity for intimacy.

• Tell the difference between compromise and self-abandonment.

• Recognize when “it’s fine” actually means “I’m slowly disappearing.”

In other words: they help you stay you.

How to Decide on Your Relationship Values

If you’ve never consciously chosen your relationship values, you’re not alone. Most of us inherited them from our families or past partners. The goal isn’t to get them “right,” but to get them real.

Here’s how to start:

1. Ask: What do I need to feel safe, seen, and connected?
   Write it down. Don’t censor yourself.

2. Notice: Where have I abandoned myself in past relationships?
   The opposite of those moments often holds your real values.

3. Define: What do those values look like in practice?
   “Emotional safety” isn’t a vibe — it’s specific behaviors and consistency.

4. Commit: Before you expect them from anyone else, practice living them yourself.
   Because values are verbs. You have to embody what you want to attract.

My Core Relationship Values (and How to Live Them)

Here’s what I’ve learned to stand on — and what each one means both personally and in partnership.

1. Emotional Presence

For me: Being in my body, not managing theirs. Staying present instead of scrolling, spiraling, or caretaking.
In a partner: Someone who shows up now — not half in a text thread, not performing calm while shutting down. Presence is attention.

2. Curiosity

For me: Wondering instead of judging. Asking, “What’s really going on in me right now? “ before reacting.
In a partner: Someone who asks instead of assumes. Curiosity keeps love alive; it turns conflict into discovery instead of defense.

3. Feeling Understood

For me: Telling the truth, even when it shakes. Letting myself be known without editing for likability.
In a partner: Someone who listens to get it, not to debate it. Understanding feels like soft eyes and a deep exhale.

4. Emotional Safety

For me: Naming what’s real without punishing myself for feeling. Staying regulated enough to speak instead of explode.
In a partner: Someone who stays open when things get hard — who doesn’t turn my feelings into a threat. Safety isn’t the absence of conflict; it’s how we handle it.

5. Growth

For me: Owning my patterns, not performing healed. I want to keep evolving — not into perfect, but into real.
In a partner: Someone doing their own work. Coaching, therapy, reflection — something that keeps them honest with themselves. Growth isn’t sexy talk; it’s daily accountability.

Why You Have to Live Your Values Before You Expect Them

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
If you don’t live your values, you’ll unconsciously settle for people who don’t either.

If I’m not being emotionally present with myself, I’ll chase someone who can’t be present with themselves or me.
If I don’t make curiosity a habit, I’ll interpret every difference as a threat, or mute myself to be loved.
If I can’t offer myself emotional safety, I’ll confuse avoidance for calm.

We teach others how to meet us by how we meet ourselves.

Living your values first isn’t a moral test — it’s self-trust in action. It means you’re no longer outsourcing your sense of worth or waiting for someone else to model what you already know you deserve.

The Bottom Line

Your relationship values are not about finding someone perfect. They’re about being honest enough to say, “This is what love looks like when it’s healthy for me.”

Then — and only then — choosing someone who wants to meet you there.

Not because you convinced them.
Because you embodied it first.

If you’re doing this work — reclaiming yourself, setting standards rooted in truth, and learning to love without erasure — that’s not being “too much.”
That’s finally being enough for yourself. And from there? Everything else gets clearer.

Needs some assistance honing in on your values? Book a free intro call to see if working together might be a good fit.